My Wife and I are not fighting
“Nna Le Molekane Waka Hare Lwane”
The Power of Communication: A Cornerstone for Lasting Relationships
In the days we are living in, it almost sounds strange to hear someone say, “Me and my wife are not fighting.” Many people think it is nearly impossible, especially when you look at the rising divorce rate, much of which stems from fights. Sadly, in some cases, conflicts even lead to tragic situations where couples harm one another. For me, however, the phrase “Hare lwane” (we are not fighting) comes from a very personal experience in my own marriage relationship of over 20 years.
Yes, misunderstandings happen in every relationship. They can be small or big, and they often lead to fights between couples. But my wife and I have had a completely different experience. In our entire lifetime together—including our years of courtship before marriage—we never had quarrels that escalated into serious fights. I know this may sound very unusual to many couples, because it feels almost impossible to be in a relationship without fights.
But from the very beginning, even before we got married, we made a conscious decision: we would always communicate our feelings to one another—especially the uncomfortable, irritating, or even embarrassing ones that are usually avoided. The reason was simple: we realized that one of the biggest destroyers of marriages and relationships is lack of communication.
Addressing Issues Calmly: The Principle of 'Sitting and Finding One Another'
Communication is not just about “sweet talk,” expressing love, or informing each other about daily matters. It’s about having the courage to address any issue in the relationship before it grows from bad to worse. We made it our mandate to intentionally talk about anything and everything.
Politicians often say, “When there are challenges, let’s sit and find one another.” This became one of our most important principles. Whenever a problem came up, instead of fighting, we would “sit and find one another.” In other words, if we had lost each other in understanding, then we had to make a deliberate effort to reconnect and truly hear one another.
Fighting may seem like a quick release of anger, but in truth, it is far more costly than being calm and civil in working toward a solution. A conscious decision must be made in marriage that, no matter how frustrated one may feel, fighting is not an option—we will sit down and discuss the matter.
Fighting in Front of Children: The Long-Term Impact on Future Generations
The truth is, fighting can leave serious scars in a relationship, especially when anger leads to outbursts. Even if you later resolve the issue, the words spoken in anger are hard to erase. They leave wounds in the heart that can last a lifetime or even lead to divorce. That is why it is so important to take control of emotions before they control you. Align the issue quickly, before it breaks something valuable.
Another sad reality is that couples often fight in front of their children, forgetting how deeply this affects them. No matter how right you think you are or how wrong your spouse may be, fighting in front of kids is one of the ugliest and most heartbreaking things a child can witness. We forget that we are shaping our children in their earliest years—for good or for bad. Many of the angry and violent behaviors we see in society today were learned at home. Children who grow up watching their parents fight are not trained in healthy conflict resolution; instead, they repeat what they saw.
The power of communication in marriage cannot be overstated. It is the glue that holds everything together. Good communication creates trust, intimacy, and safety. It allows couples to face challenges as a team rather than as enemies. It builds a legacy of peace and strength that children can model in their own lives. My wife and I are living proof that with conscious effort, commitment, and honest communication, a marriage can thrive for decades—without fighting.
Let Peace Begin at Home
Whether you’re just starting your journey toward marriage or working to strengthen the one you’re already in, you don’t have to walk alone. Our Marriage Counselling programs are here to help you build a relationship rooted in honest communication, mutual respect, and lasting peace.
Contact us today to request a booking and begin your journey toward a marriage that lasts a lifetime.